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Yesterday, I got a whole new sense of destiny… and perhaps some of the reason why I have been going through so much crap lately.
You see, I have been trying to sell my house for a while – and have just been told that the building society will not let me sell as it is a negative equity situation. Now, I am really frustrated by this, and will have to take some very hard decisions about the future, and how to deal with this and the rest of the debt I have amassed. And I feel very guilty about what has happened – and although I have made mistakes, there are many things that I couldn’t avoid – like not being able to find a job for ten months.
And, while thinking about all this, I realised that from God’s perspective, the building society debt, the credit card debt, and the rest of the burden that I have been carrying is actually irrelevant. And, somewhere under all that I realised that God was saying ‘Set my people free’. God would rather see me free from the burden than see the building society get their money. Sure, I know that I ‘owe’ that money.. but in the end, it’s just money.
So this helps me look into the future with new eyes and with new freedom – and will guide some of the choices that I might make. I’ve been so burdened with all this, that actually suicide has been a possibility… and I realised that that is just stupid, when it’s possible to step free – when English law allows for us to claim our freedom from financial imprisonment.
Will I go bankrupt? I have no idea.
But actually, that’s not the point. What the point IS, is that freedom is our birthright as children of God. In fact, it’s actually one of my highest values, and I have been trying to work out why that is. Is it a rebellion against my marriage? Or do I feel shackled by my own beliefs, my perceived limits, my ‘story’? Did I feel restricted by my religious upbringing?
Maybe.
But what is more important is that this is part of my calling. In the same way that Moses was called to demand that the Pharaoh of Egypt ‘Set my people free’.
Moses had to encounter God in a new and unexpected way at the burning bush. And he had to give up his privileged position in order to step into the new. He had to leave his place in the royal court of Egypt in order to lead the people of God. And somewhere, deep within my being, I resonate with that.
I believe that part of what I am called to is to declare the same. Freedom from the lies and the rules that are woven round our lives. Freedom from the demands of the media, of society, of our financial institutions. It has been this way – and yet it doesn’t need to be.
And maybe I had to experience the crushing burden of financial debt in order to understand what freedom feels like.
I want to see people set free from the limits they place on themselves, to reach for everything they can possibly be. To be free from guilt. Free from the rules we place on our lives. Free from the words ‘should’ and ‘must’. Free from despair.
I have no idea where that leads me, where it takes me, where it could go next. But it is a new chapter of my life.. to walk both into freedom, and into my calling..
