My Story | Thoughts on the Way

MY STORY – Freedom

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Yesterday, I got a whole new sense of destiny… and perhaps some of the reason why I have been going through so much crap lately.

You see, I have been trying to sell my house for a while – and have just been told that the building society will not let me sell as it is a negative equity situation. Now, I am really frustrated by this, and will have to take some very hard decisions about the future, and how to deal with this and the rest of the debt I have amassed. And I feel very guilty about what has happened – and although I have made mistakes, there are many things that I couldn’t avoid – like not being able to find a job for ten months.

And, while thinking about all this, I realised that from God’s perspective, the building society debt, the credit card debt, and the rest of the burden that I have been carrying is actually irrelevant. And, somewhere under all that I realised that God was saying ‘Set my people free’. God would rather see me free from the burden than see the building society get their money. Sure, I know that I ‘owe’ that money.. but in the end, it’s just money.

So this helps me look into the future with new eyes and with new freedom – and will guide some of the choices that I might make. I’ve been so burdened with all this, that actually suicide has been a possibility… and I realised that that is just stupid, when it’s possible to step free – when English law allows for us to claim our freedom from financial imprisonment.

Will I go bankrupt? I have no idea.

But actually, that’s not the point. What the point IS, is that freedom is our birthright as children of God. In fact, it’s actually one of my highest values, and I have been trying to work out why that is. Is it a rebellion against my marriage? Or do I feel shackled by my own beliefs, my perceived limits, my ‘story’? Did I feel restricted by my religious upbringing?

Maybe.

But what is more important is that this is part of my calling. In the same way that Moses was called to demand that the Pharaoh of Egypt ‘Set my people free’.

Moses had to encounter God in a new and unexpected way at the burning bush. And he had to give up his privileged position in order to step into the new. He had to leave his place in the royal court of Egypt in order to lead the people of God. And somewhere, deep within my being, I resonate with that.

I believe that part of what I am called to is to declare the same. Freedom from the lies and the rules that are woven round our lives. Freedom from the demands of the media, of society, of our financial institutions. It has been this way – and yet it doesn’t need to be.

And maybe I had to experience the crushing burden of financial debt in order to understand what freedom feels like.

I want to see people set free from the limits they place on themselves, to reach for everything they can possibly be. To be free from guilt. Free from the rules we place on our lives. Free from the words ‘should’ and ‘must’. Free from despair.

I have no idea where that leads me, where it takes me, where it could go next. But it is a new chapter of my life.. to walk both into freedom, and into my calling..

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My Story

MY STORY – 2009 – changing the pattern

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In the middle of 2009 I took a few days out to consider where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do with the rest of the year. This is what came…..this is what I am making happen…

The rest of this year will be a time of action & adventure – of being on fire…

Remember – “Behold – I make all things new” Revelation 21:5

My deepest desires:

I choose to be on stage, leading, teaching, pioneering
I choose to be on fire, blazing, alive
I choose to be in an intimate loving relationship with a beautiful woman
I choose to be close to God
I choose to experience miracles and live as a supernatural being
I choose to live a life of freedom & adventure
I choose to have true financial, emotional and spiritual freedom
I choose to follow the path of the heart
I choose to fulfil my true potential
I choose to love people and change the world
I choose to live in a different way

A year of ….

Adventures with God
Romance
Excitement &Adventure
Change
Healing
Miracles & Magic
Abundance & Wealth
Travel & journeys
New friends
Intuition and knowing
Courage & power & determination
Peace, Love, Joy, Wisdom, Healing, Power
Being the Gift

By the end of 2009 I have. . .

Paid off my debts in full
Built a respected & successful training & personal development business that unites heart, mind & spirit
Bought a bright red VW Scirocco
An income of over £5,000 per month
Be in a loving intimate relationship
Had exciting travels & adventures
Reached 13st 5lb
Stepped into my true gift & purpose
Got to a new level of spiritual intuition
Built a community around me
Moved home

Where I choose to…

Deepen my spirituality & friendship with God
Have romances and fall in love into a deep and intimate relationship
Step into spiritual leadership
Build a second income stream
Be love peace joy healing wisdom and power to people
Have a nice home and a nice car
Be on stage and in the public eye
Be on fire
Be the shaman, the seer, the magician, the sage, the ruler

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My Story

MY STORY – the year of pain

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2008 was a disastrous year for me in many ways, as I struggled to keep myself ahead of the tide of disasters that befell me. And it hurt. Early in 2009, I penned this list of everything that had ‘gone wrong’ in my life that year

* My mother had a massive stroke
* I ran up £30,000 in credit card debt
* I discovered I would have to lose my house
* I discovered I would have to lose my business
* I discovered I would have to go bankrupt
* I was investigated by HMRC and found to owe £2000 in tax
* I fell badly in love with someone – and couldn’t let go of that dream
* I didn’t manage to fall for anyone else – I had no real relationship in 2008
* I started – and then dropped out of – the Inter faith seminary
* I wasted far too much time on the Internet
* I wasted time looking for jobs when I could have built my business
* I didn’t spend enough time with God
* I lost two cars that I really like and now drive a ‘banger’
* My brother’s company was restructured so his life became uncertain
* My son lost his job
* I’ve not been able to support my family as I want
* I had to drop out of some holidays because I couldn’t pay for them
* I’ve not been having holidays or adventures
* I stopped volunteer work at Sue Ryder
* I didn’t sell my book to a publisher
* I didn’t sell my books to many people
* I didn’t sell my courses to many people
* I’ve not been out there running courses
* I’ve not managed to give my youngest son a birthday present yet
* four bikes got stolen
* I got dissed by my mentor and hero in an event in public
* I’ve seriously debated suicide
* Christmas was crap – not enough money
* I continually lived in fear of creditor phone calls
* I continually lived in fear of my bank card being rejected
* Jobs I thought I would get I failed to get
* I ended up with a crap job for poor pay
* Lots of my 2008 goals and dreams went unmet

Now, I feel the need to balance this up with ‘and this is what went right’ – and I am not going to. I could tell you how it’s going to be different – and I am not going to. Because I need to face the pain and let it hurt.. Not try to fade it or fix it or gloss it over. This lot HURT badly and was very painful -and it is what it is. This may look like someone with a touch of ‘poor old me’. And it isn’t. Because despite all that, despite the crap and the agony and the sheer fucking heartbreak of all of this…. I’m still here. I’m still fabulous, I am still incredible, and Who I Am has grown bigger and brighter and more powerful during the year. I’ve held it together – and triumphed.

Through all of this has come a newer and clearer relationship with my Creator. Through this has come a clearer idea of my destiny and my truth. My friends don’t see a little, battered, defeated man- they see someone who is prepared to look at all that life has to offer, all that life throws at me and says ‘I AM WHO I AM’. The people who are close to me don’t look at me and feel pity – they look at me and feel pride in knowing me. They see someone who is prepared to roar – but someone who is prepared to admit his hurt, his scars. They know that ‘Tim’ is not what’s happened to me – but who I am inside – and the pain, and the fire, and the horror, and the heartbreak, have simply made me angry – the sort of passionate, righteous, holy, purifying anger that makes something happen.

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My Story Observations

OBSERVATIONS – Letting Go

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One of the things I became convinced of recently was that I needed to start to let go… and various things conspired to teach me this.

One of my all time heroes and favourite teachers and authors is Neale Donald Walsch. Neale has an incredible connection to God, and his daily inspirational newsletter ‘On this day’ is usually spot on for the challenges I am facing, or imparting some learning that I need.

The other day, Neale wrote:

On this day of your life, Tim, I believe God wants you to know…

….that yearning for a new way will not produce it. Only ending the old way can do that.

You cannot hold onto the old all the while declaring that you want something new. The old will defy the new; the old will deny the new; the old will decry the new.

There is only one way to bring in the new. You must make room for it.

And for me, that was huge.

You see, there are two principles going on here – the first is simply that we need to create a vacuum in our lives in order for things to happen. We need to let go of what we have in order to take hold of new stuff. We need to let go of the riverbank in order to set off on our journey down the river. We need to clear out stuff that’s no longer serving us in order to move into the new.

And secondly, we need to create movement. Without movement we become stuck, unable to create, unable to change things. Without some movement in our lives… well, nothing happens.

For me, right now, it’s quite draughty. The wind of change is blowing round me, and sometimes it’s quite unnerving – like walking along a cliff top edge when the wind is gusting, and you feel that at any moment you could be blown off that cliff, and crash to the jagged rocks below.

There are things changing for me in financial terms, as I consider how to deal with various financial challenges that I face, and do that with integrity and yet with a desire to move on. There are things changing for me in relationships – new possibilities, new friends, new romance, maybe. I’m moving home, from my nice comfortable 3 bedroom house into a flat (or a Winnebago… the whole idea of being in constant movement appeals to me). My eldest son is moving out – and my youngest is going to be going back to university. My moving home brings new friends and leaves other precious friends behind. I may let go of my business, of my plans, of my career. I may let go of my business, and the investment that lies in that. I may let go of my calling, my purpose – to discover something new. And there are some things that I am deliberately changing – the music I am listening to, the clothes that I am wearing, the books I am reading. I am changing my behaviours, my beliefs, my attitudes (more on that soon!).

And I am letting go of the need to behave a certain way, the need to BE certain things: The need for faith in God. The need to be a good dancer. The need to be in a relationship. The need to be a good father, a provider. The need to grow, the need to own a business. The need to lead and to teach. The need to have money. The need to be free.

I’m starting to hold these things loosely, recognising that they don’t really matter….

It’s a little bit scary… and yet exhilarating. It creates freedom, it creates movement, it creates the opportunity for new life. Anything could happen – and probably will! And THAT will be very, very cool.

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My Story Visionary Thought

MY STORY – Why “HeartStorm”

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A friend of mine asked me the other day why I’d called my web site ‘HeartStorm’. It was a good question – and the short answer is ‘because I felt led to’. It seemed, somehow, that that’s what I was being asked to create – and that through that name, something would arise.

I’ve always loved the power of the storm- sometimes a storm is full of power, and passion, full of fury, and danger – and sometimes it is, as my wonderful friend Heather put it “It feels as if it’s kissing and caressing me with change, affection and warm good fortune. It’s invigorating and lovely as it strokes and touches. It protects and also challenges. It is an intelligent, suggestive and tempestuous wind that won’t suffer fools gladly and which loves a good challenge and fight. It can hurt but it also cares. It puts its heart into every gust and with its warmth it refreshes and reinvigorates.”

And yet for many of us we find ourselves in the midst of a turbulent storm. Everything seems to be changing around us. We seem to be at the mercy of the elements – of financial pressure, emotional pressure, of uncertainty over our jobs, our relationships, our homes, our livelihoods. Change is happening at an unprecedented rate. The things we held on to seem to be torn away – just like a tornado will tear a town to shreds.

What is our response to be in the midst of this turmoil? When our minds are occupied with what might happen, when all we can see is the potential for disaster?

The answer is inside us… in our hearts. You see, our hearts have a bigger connection. They see the world, and they see our lives, but they are also the gateway to infinity, connecting us to an infinite resource that is bigger than any earthbound challenge that may be thrown at us. Somewhere at the core of who we are we know this… somewhere we know the immensity of the connection that our hearts provide.

As I was thinking and meditating this morning I could actually see this – almost as if my heart opened up and revealed a connection into the totality of the Universe. And at that point I started to begin to see a little bit more of who I am.. not just this mind and this body, but this infinite being, connected to everything… and everyone.

So HeartStorm is about reminding us that there is a place of peace in the middle of the storm… right at the centre, in the middle of the maelstrom, there is a place of safety, where we can be certain, where we can know that we are bigger than anything that this world can throw at us. In the heart of the storm.. there is safety. And yet there is movement, vibrancy, life, transition, change…

I want to use HeartStorm to bring peace. Peace in people’s hearts, peace in their lives, peace in the world. Not because nothing changes, not because all is calm… but because the storm rages, we can know , absolutely, that we are loved, we are cared for, we are protected.

You can see more at www.heartstorm.org – but don’t buy anything yet – the links don’t work!

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My Story

MY STORY – early memories

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Thinking back, my spiritual journey began at a very early age… but it would only be much later in my life that I realised how significant some of those moments were. My parents weren’t particularly spiritual, and apart from a couple of weeks at Sunday School (I hated it!) I used to get dragged along to church once a year on Remembrance Sunday. My uncle had been killed in the war so my father used to take us along in memory of him. It was cold, it was uncomfortable, and it was boring.

The earliest event I can recall that had some sense of the magical to it was when I was left in my pram outside the local post office. Now they had a milk machine there (this was before the days of Coke vending, guys) and I just started to press the buttons. Incredibly, milk cartons started landing in my pram.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I realised the link with how interconnected I was with machines – a kind of modern day shaman, if you like – someone who has such a tight affinity with technology and machinery that it responds almost magically to me.

Another event I didn’t understand the significance of was at junior school. Every year at the Christmas party, we would have a fancy dress parade. I chose to go as Mercury, the messenger of the Gods, with my winged hat, my winged boots, and a toga. Probably best that you don’t try to imagine it. Now, local kids being who they are, they simply didn’t ‘get’ it and laughed me out of the parade. It took me a long, long time to lose the story of being laughed at because I’d tried to be different, because I had tried to stand out.. because I had tried to be true to my identity. I suspect that somewhere in my being I decided never to stand out in the same way again – never to risk being the subject of people’s jokes, never to risk ridicule… and so, like so many of us, I began the journey towards shrinking down and settling for second best.. of not letting my true awesomeness out.

But somewhere in my heart I knew who I was. I knew the job I had to do. I knew, deep down inside, that part of my role on this planet was to be a bridge, to be someone who would look to stand in the gap and help to bring God’s presence into people’s lives – someone who would, eventually, seek to be a man who wanted to bring one simple message… “Remember Who You truly Are”.

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