MY STORY – the year of pain

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2008 was a disastrous year for me in many ways, as I struggled to keep myself ahead of the tide of disasters that befell me. And it hurt. Early in 2009, I penned this list of everything that had ‘gone wrong’ in my life that year

* My mother had a massive stroke
* I ran up £30,000 in credit card debt
* I discovered I would have to lose my house
* I discovered I would have to lose my business
* I discovered I would have to go bankrupt
* I was investigated by HMRC and found to owe £2000 in tax
* I fell badly in love with someone – and couldn’t let go of that dream
* I didn’t manage to fall for anyone else – I had no real relationship in 2008
* I started – and then dropped out of – the Inter faith seminary
* I wasted far too much time on the Internet
* I wasted time looking for jobs when I could have built my business
* I didn’t spend enough time with God
* I lost two cars that I really like and now drive a ‘banger’
* My brother’s company was restructured so his life became uncertain
* My son lost his job
* I’ve not been able to support my family as I want
* I had to drop out of some holidays because I couldn’t pay for them
* I’ve not been having holidays or adventures
* I stopped volunteer work at Sue Ryder
* I didn’t sell my book to a publisher
* I didn’t sell my books to many people
* I didn’t sell my courses to many people
* I’ve not been out there running courses
* I’ve not managed to give my youngest son a birthday present yet
* four bikes got stolen
* I got dissed by my mentor and hero in an event in public
* I’ve seriously debated suicide
* Christmas was crap – not enough money
* I continually lived in fear of creditor phone calls
* I continually lived in fear of my bank card being rejected
* Jobs I thought I would get I failed to get
* I ended up with a crap job for poor pay
* Lots of my 2008 goals and dreams went unmet

Now, I feel the need to balance this up with ‘and this is what went right’ – and I am not going to. I could tell you how it’s going to be different – and I am not going to. Because I need to face the pain and let it hurt.. Not try to fade it or fix it or gloss it over. This lot HURT badly and was very painful -and it is what it is. This may look like someone with a touch of ‘poor old me’. And it isn’t. Because despite all that, despite the crap and the agony and the sheer fucking heartbreak of all of this…. I’m still here. I’m still fabulous, I am still incredible, and Who I Am has grown bigger and brighter and more powerful during the year. I’ve held it together – and triumphed.

Through all of this has come a newer and clearer relationship with my Creator. Through this has come a clearer idea of my destiny and my truth. My friends don’t see a little, battered, defeated man- they see someone who is prepared to look at all that life has to offer, all that life throws at me and says ‘I AM WHO I AM’. The people who are close to me don’t look at me and feel pity – they look at me and feel pride in knowing me. They see someone who is prepared to roar – but someone who is prepared to admit his hurt, his scars. They know that ‘Tim’ is not what’s happened to me – but who I am inside – and the pain, and the fire, and the horror, and the heartbreak, have simply made me angry – the sort of passionate, righteous, holy, purifying anger that makes something happen.

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